Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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