My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize