I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
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Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
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I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.