if only i could text you this smell
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life