I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
