dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
