I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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