oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
