I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Too much gin, very little bucket
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
