Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
