I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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