Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
