There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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