This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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