My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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