He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize