He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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