Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
