My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
