Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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