I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
