put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
