omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
