the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
