Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
