Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
