I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
