why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My liver just had a heart attack.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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