after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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