did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Are we still banned from the library?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
