You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
