remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
