We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
