I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
