there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
