what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize