just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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