I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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