He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
