Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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