i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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