Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
