I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
