My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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