oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
