I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
