Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
