My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
