saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
