The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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