So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
