you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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