Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
