Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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