I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
