Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
