I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
