I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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