Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
