I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Randomize
